


Kanan's Last Thoughts

by Isabeau_Gower



Category: Saiyuki
Genre: Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-08-23
Updated: 2005-08-23
Packaged: 2017-10-19 03:39:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/196458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Isabeau_Gower/pseuds/Isabeau_Gower
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kanan's suicide is shown in Saiyuki as part of canon, but what might her final thoughts have been?  What could have driven her to take her own life?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Kanan's Last Thoughts

**Author's Note:**

> This story speculates on what dark thoughts Kanan might have had in the last few days and hours of her life based on what we learn about her thoughout the series. It is a very dark story, obviously, and not meant for every reader. If you think this will be a trigger for you, please pass it by.

Kanan’s Last Thoughts  
Isabeau Gower  
Disclaimer: Kanan and Gonou are the property of Kazuya Minekura. I derive no profit from this fanfic.  
Warning: This piece is extraordinarily dark. I am postulating on Kanan’s thoughts and relaying the story as an internal dialogue over the last days and minutes of her life. If you think that this will bother you, please do not read.

 

Gonou, my love, my life, I am so sorry. I sit in my cell and can only think of all my glorious failures. I was never strong enough for you, not when we were children and not now. My soul is so heavy with pain and guilt that I almost believe I could will myself to death. I certainly desire it. For that reason alone, if nothing else, I’m certain that it will be denied to me. I am being punished for my transgressions, for my weaknesses and failings.

You tried so hard to protect me when we were young. So many things happened, so much pain you had to endure. Even then, we were separated and didn’t see each other for many years. When we were reunited, I couldn’t bear to be away from you. I never wanted to be apart from you again.

My selfishness has caused you so much pain and difficulty. We had to move away from the orphanages, move east to someplace where no one knew our secret. No one knew our crime. This is what I have done to you. I have made you into a criminal.

How can I wear this cross knowing that I am an abomination to everything Holy Mother Church holds sacred? Our love is taboo, our passion is forbidden, our union is sacrilege. Perhaps my kidnapping was God’s way of setting things to right. It is no more than I deserve. Now, perhaps, you could move on, thinking that I am dead, and live the life that was meant for you.

That, my love, is what I wish for you.

Live free of the taint I have brought to your soul and be happy. The monsters that have taken me have planted a seed of evil inside me. I wonder sometimes from which parent the greater evil will come? My crimes are no less than the murders and rapes that the demons who dwell here have committed. I have no right to judge them after what I have done. I am glad that you cannot see me here in my shame.

Perhaps soon, if God has any mercy on my black soul, I will be granted a swift death. The demons here, however, seem determined to keep me alive and revel in my despair. I will find no benevolent angel of death in this place without the help of the Almighty.

If I try to starve myself, they force me to eat. I am allowed no eating utensils that could cut me. There are no rafters from which to hang myself even if I could fashion a rope. The church teaches that suicide is wrong but my crimes up to this point are already enough to send me to hell. Surely, it is better now for me to be gone from the earth than to bear this child of wickedness and hate. Somehow I know that if I don’t die, you will know. You will try to find me and bring me back just as you did a few years ago. You will not rest until I am back at your side even if it is wrong. To save myself, to save you, I must find a way to die.

A noise comes from the stairs. Is it a battle? Is it my release from life? I feel a chill in the air tonight. Something is coming for me. Is it my angel of death sent from God? Am I finally going to be allowed to end this life of shame?

No, one final crime is to be added to my tally against heaven. It is you who have come to set me free and, in return, I have turned you into a murderer.

How much more weight can I take into hell with me? This can’t go on, I can’t drag you into eternal torment, my sweet Gonou. A knife. You wear it at your side as casually as if it belongs there. You are a teacher of children, not a murderer. When I am gone, you will be free to go back to a better life. You can fill your life with children, both those you teach, and those you may someday have with a real wife.

All I need to do is reach for the knife and free us both.

I have the knife, the key to my liberation.

You are crying, screaming. Please, try to understand, my love. This truly is for the best. Someday, perhaps you will understand, perhaps you can forgive me for what I have done to you.

Please find love, true love, somewhere, someday. I am so sorry for what I have done and now, it is time for atonement.

Goodbye, Cho Gonou, please find a new, better life.


End file.
